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Kim Kardashian inspires us to ask: How soon is too soon to head down the aisle?

August 22nd, 2011

Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. I’m going to resist the urge to bash Kim and her entourage of fame-hungry and largely talent-starved family members (oops, too late) and instead focus on the larger issue it inspired me to think about: how quick is too quick to get married?

Another DASH down the aisle. Get it, get it?

Kim is marrying some basketball player after 9 months together. That’s eons in comparison to her sister Khloe’s whirlwind engagement and marriage to some other basketball player (ok, I know his name is Lamar and that their entire courtship went down in about a month). Of course, then there’s sister Kourtney who is Baby Momma to a guy (not a basketball player) who she’s been with for years but hasn’t married (which could be down to the fact that he’s, for lack of a more polite phrase, a complete tool).  But anyway, all of this raises two very important questions for me:

  1. Is there such a thing as too soon to get married?
  2. Why do I know so much about the Kardashians?

I can offer no sensible answer for the second question, so let’s delve into the first. It’s interesting to look at celebrities within this conversation because there’s a preponderance of quickie marriages in Hollywood and more than a few divorces. So why do celebs tend to walk down the aisle so quickly and run to divorce court even quicker? And what can it teach us mere mortals about marriage?

One major cause of divorce is that many people view marriage as their “happily ever after” and expect to leave their problems at the altar. This is a Hollywood construct, so no surprise actors buy into the myth that they will ride off into a cinematic sunset after they’re pronounced man and wife. The reality is that putting a ring on it does not put an end to your differences, it does not solve your problems and it does not prevent life from being stressful and challenging.

Another major cause of divorce is that couples rarely discuss their expectations for the marriage in detail before the wedding. The focus is on dresses and canapes and there’s usually little to no discussion about teensy-tinsy little details like managing finances; resolving disagreements; the role family and friends will play in married life; how you’ll balance professional and personal commitments; whether you want to have kids; how you’ll co-parent; what you’ll do if one person hates their job; what you’ll do if one person loses their job; who will take out the trash; and on, and on and on. These are some of the big and little things that make up a marriage. They can be incredibly challenging to work through together, even in the strongest relationships. The longer you spend dating, the more likely you are to encounter some “low” times as a couple. It gives you the chance to practice working on issues together and supporting each other.

Taking time before the wedding lets you really get to know the person you’re marrying. You may have met “the one”, but that doesn’t mean he’s perfect. Is he grouchy about your family coming over to visit? Does he clean the bathroom every once in a while? How good is he at managing his money? Everyone has weaknesses, but it’s easy to miss those when you’re in the first flush of love. The longer you’re with someone the more you know them as a whole person, flaws and all, and not an idealized version.

The Beatles sang “All You Need Is Love”, and while it’s a great sentiment what I’ve discovered is that for a good marriage, love is just the first ingredient. You also need patience, understanding, openness, good communication, willingness to compromise, maturity, flexibility, tolerance and tenacity. It takes time to develop those skills. If you don’t take that time before the wedding, you’re going to have to after the wedding. That’s where we see a lot of celebrity marriages falling apart. When the big day is over and the pictures have been published in US Weekly, many celebs realize they don’t have any of the skills needed to be a good husband or wife. Plenty of non-celebrities have the same realization. Having to learn all of those skills on the spot can put your marriage under a lot of pressure. The longer you date, the more skills you can build up to bring into married life.

While there’s no “magic number” to how long you should date before marriage and I know many examples of people who marry quickly and have long and successful relationships, my advice is that you should take your time. After all, you’re getting married for life so what’s the rush?

What’s your perspective? Do you think couples who date for longer have a higher chance for success? Or do you feel like “you know when you know” and you can work out any issues after the wedding day? I’d love to hear what you think.

 

* Editor’s Note: Thanks to Brandon Morris for suggesting this blog topic.

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Posted in Musings on Marriage, Uncategorized

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What were you thinking on your wedding day?

July 25th, 2011

Do you remember how you felt on your wedding day?

We talked about this topic recently with friends. Many couples choose to spend the evening before, and the morning of, the wedding apart. That means each half of the couple can have a very unique experience of what is the ultimate “shared” day.

So here are our differing perspectives of how our wedding day went….

NERVOUS!

Melissa says…

I barely slept the night before our wedding and stayed up having a “deep and meaningful” with Julie, my maid of honor and best friend. She and I rose early and had breakfast with my Dad at a 24-hour café. The morning was leisurely and relaxed. I floated around the venue (The Groucho Club in Soho, London– such an amazing place) watching everyone else rushing, organizing, preparing, locking down details. I drank a glass of champagne and sat on a squishy sofa, chronicling my emotions in my journal.

Then the time came to put on my dress. It was an acrobatic feat, involving several helpers and lots of wriggling. I caught my reflection in the mirror, and suddenly wasn’t sure at all about how I looked. I had chosen an old-Hollywood style dress matched with a short, sleek bob and dramatic red lips. It was deliberately not girly, floaty or stereotypically bridal. But suddenly, I was certain that Tom was going to hate it. I burst into tears. The girl who did my hair and make-up, a friend of a friend, calmed me down long enough to preserve my mascara. But I spent the remaining hour before the ceremony in a state of overwhelming tension. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin, my ears were ringing and each time I caught sight of my reflection, my stomach flip-flopped.

The time came for the walk down the aisle. As we paused at the door before making our entrance, my Father turned to me and said “Just take your time and enjoy it.” It was the perfect thing to say, but my nerves had already reached a roaring crescendo and there was no calming them. I usually have no problem being the center of attention (in fact, some would say I love it…), but I could barely lift my head to look at any of the guests or at Tom. I was convinced that everyone thought I looked foolish. The very short aisle stretched for miles.

We finally reached the end of the aisle and my Father passed my hand into Tom’s hand. I looked up at him and hissed: “Do you think I look ok?’  Tom gave me that huge, boyish grin of his and whispered: “You look beautiful!”

Immediately, the tension faded and I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the day. It was, cliché of clichés, the best day of my life. But I wish I could go back and re-live that last hour before the ceremony… or better yet, I wish I did what many brides and grooms do today and meet up for pictures before the ceremony. I really wanted the traditional, dramatic moment of Tom seeing me in my dress for the first time when I walked down the aisle, but in retrospect I could have done without the stress!

Tom says…

Calm, cool, collected

I remember thinking beforehand that the morning of the wedding was going to seem really long. I didn’t need to be at the Groucho until the afternoon, and my best man, Rik, had stayed overnight with me at our flat in North London. I envisaged a leisurely morning of a hearty, English breakfast, followed by a few rounds of Tiger Woods Golf on the Nintendo GameCube, then putting on the morning suit and heading into Soho.

Ultimately, the morning rushed by, and before I knew it, our cab was pulling up on Dean Street and we were into the final preparations.

I don’t remember feeling all that stressed, or nervous – rather, I felt a little awed by the occasion and a little self-conscious to be center-stage. The moment I looked up to see Melissa and her father processing… well, it’s because of those moments that they write all those cheesy love songs and produce all those rom-coms. If she could have known how amazing I thought she looked and how proud and glad I was to be standing up there waiting for her, all of her fears would have dissipated instantly.

As for the rest of the day, it went by in a blur. Rik is a stand-up comedian, so his best man’s speech was like an awesome set at a comedy club, After a lengthy (boozy) dinner, every single person hit the dance floor. In fact, Melissa’s mother literally hit the dance floor when my friend Paul dropped her. Melissa and I got drunk and barely stopped dancing all night, even when the lighting rig kept tripping out the power for the whole room and stopping the music.

People always tell the bride and groom that it’s the best wedding they’ve ever been to. I think our guests meant it.

Now it’s your turn… tell us your best wedding day stories. Did you have the jitters, or were you ready to roll?  Any last-minute disasters? Do you think it’s better to see each other before the ceremony? Would love to hear about your experiences!

 

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Posted in London, Musings on Marriage

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Should women change their names when they get married?

June 29th, 2011

I changed my name when Tom and I got married, from Melissa Morris to Melissa Dowler. I should start by saying that I love being Melissa Dowler and don’t regret my decision. But it was a surprisingly tough, painful and confusing experience.

First there was the paperwork, which I was lucky enough to get to do in two countries. I’m terrible about tackling personal admin, and it took me more than a year to get everything changed over. But that was easy compared to the real challenge– of waking up as a 30-year old with a new name.

It took me ages to remember it, most notably when I returned from our honeymoon and introduced myself to the new boss as Melissa Morris before remembering and having to re-introduce myself as Melissa Dowler. He gave me a hard, quizzical look: “You mean you don’t know what your name is?”

At least one name will remain the same....

While that was embarrassing, the tougher part was a sense of lost identity. My reputation, accomplishments and connections belonged to Melissa Morris not Melissa Dowler. When I heard people say my new name, it didn’t sound like they were talking to or about me. But I didn’t feel like Melissa Morris anymore, either. I was in name limbo. Maybe I should have considered going for one name, like Madonna, or adopting an “Artist Formerly Known As” moniker.

Of course, this sense of new identity isn’t a bad thing to everyone:

“I would have changed my name anyway, probably. Even if it wasn’t to Maud, I would’ve changed my last name to something more aesthetic or gone by my first and middle name,” says Kaitlin, who legally changed her name to her husband’s when they got engaged. “I was ready to begin a new life and having a new name gave me that opportunity.”

One of Kaitlin’s motivations to change her name before getting married was that she was starting her career and didn’t want to deal with the confusion of the name change in her professional life. As I transitioned to my new name, and even now, I have different variations of my name across work, email, Facebook and Twitter. In fact, I’m sure many people think I go by Melissa Morris Dowler, because that’s my Facebook name (it’s merely so old friends can find me, I don’t go by that anywhere else). I’m not the only person who juggles too many “versions” of a name:

“Actually nobody should do what I did which was to half-ass change it, so I literally have insurance in my married name and credit cards in my maiden name. It’s totally confusing,” says Sandy Mooney (or Sandy MacDonald….)

“I tried using all three names at work – Lindsey Mead Russell – and it basically was incredibly complicated. I never knew what my name would be at a hotel or airport when checking in. Mead? MeadRussell? Mead-Russell? Russell? It got old, never knowing what to ask for. Also, in any given list, am I under Mead or Russell?” says Lindsey about her experience of changing her name.“I switched back to my maiden name when I switched jobs after 7 years of marriage, and use Lindsey Mead professionally now and for my writing. This bothers my husband, I think, a little bit, but it just feels much more authentic to me.”

Many women I talk to say that changing their last name was important to them and/or their husbands. It’s funny, because Tom and I have completely different recollections of how we came to a decision about changing my name. I remember it being a big deal to him, and feeling a sense of obligation to change to Dowler. My recollection is that Tom was upset when I broached the subject of keeping my maiden name. Tom remembers it differently, and insists that he never thought it was a big deal. He’s probably right. Knowing me he made an offhand comment which I blew up in my head to mean he wanted me to take his name. But whatever the case, I remember thinking that not changing my name might seem like a lack of commitment to the marriage. If I didn’t change my name and we had kids, whose name would they take? Many women feel a sense of obligation to change their names to “make a family” with their new husband:

“I really didn’t even consider the alternative. In my head that is just what married women do,” says Celina Wyss. “I still would probably make the same decision. I still am in the mindset that married women should take on the same name as their husband as a form of unity. Call it family tradition if you will.”

Like Celina, I think there was a big part of me that changed my name because that’s what married women do. I felt like I would be starting off as a bad wife if I kept my name. I don’t recall thinking a lot of about gender issues or feminism when I weighed the decision, but now it’s something I think about. Sometimes I feel like I “let the side down” by somewhat blindly succumbing to the patriarchal tradition.

Sarah Gervais decided to keep her maiden name both for professional reasons and because, as someone with a Ph.D in Women’s Studies, she was keenly aware of the patriarchal associations. But the decision to stick with your maiden name also comes with complications, as Sarah told me:

“People don’t really know how to treat you when you don’t change your last name. My in-laws were offended and still just address letters to Tom and Sarah, with no last name at all. Also, we’re not sure what we’ll do when we have kids because we both want our last names to be connected to our kids, but we don’t like hyphenated names.”

Like marriage itself, the decision about whether to keep or change your name is challenging. There are pros and cons to both approaches, and my recommendation is that you have several open, honest discussions with your partner about the topic. Even if you think you’re aligned, it’s good to talk through the options and ensure that neither side has unexplored reservations or doubts about the decision.

Did you or your wife decide to change your/her name when you got married? Why or why not? Are you happy with your decision? Do you think that feminists shouldn’t change their last names? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

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Posted in Advice, Musings on Marriage

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Alisa & Mark part one

March 9th, 2011

We’ve already shown some preview clips, but now we finally have the full cuts of the interview with Alisa & Mark Bowman from Emmaus, PA. Alisa has written a book about her marriage, Project Happily Ever After and has a fantastic blog to accompany it: projecthappilyeverafter.com.

Alisa and Mark had so much to say that we had to split their interview into three parts. Parts two and three will be posted next week, but without further ado, here is part one:

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Posted in Emmaus, Pennsylvania, Road Trips

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It’s our anniversary, and it’s all about flowers and fruit

February 16th, 2011

This week is the 7th anniversary of the day we met and the 4th anniversary of the day we got married. Throw in Valentine’s Day and a trip to visit friends in New York City and it’s shaping up to be a pretty exciting and romantic week in our married life. We think it’s really important to do something special for our wedding anniversary, because it can easily get overshadowed by Valentine’s Day or lousy winter weather. Whatever the weather, we go out of our way to do something special and wanted to share a few of our traditions with you.

Enjoying champagne, Anniversary #2

Champagne

Each year, we buy a special bottle of champagne to drink on our anniversary the following year, so it’s like a little advance gift to ourselves.

Gifts
We go with the traditional anniversary gift, where each year there’s a designated material or item to commemorate the anniversary. This tradition can be challenging, but working within the theme leads to greater creativity. This year’s theme, I was told by Tom, is flowers and fruit. Of course, when I checked for myself I discovered that’s the traditional gift in the UK. Silk or linen is traditional to celebrate 4 years of marriage in the US!  As a trans-Atlantic couple, I guess we never clarified which country’s list we should go with. Even though I’d probably prefer silk, I’m just happy we’re not going with the “modern” version of the 4-year anniversary present: an appliance. There’s no way I want to be opening a blender or a Dirt Devil on our anniversary. Then I’ll know we’re in trouble!

A new experience
Rather than making everything about the day traditional, we use it as an excuse to do the thing that’s most important in our married life: try new things together. Often it’s a new restaurant we’ve been wanting to check out. One year when the weather was bad and we were low on funds, we had an indoor picnic complete with basket, blanket and sandwiches (if you’ve never done this before, I encourage you to try it out… silly but sweet).

Because this past year has been a significant one in our married life, we’d like to introduce one or two new anniversary traditions into the mix. Ideas I’ve had so far include writing a letter to each other (so old-fashioned but I love it) or each taking a photo that commemorates the day. Any suggestions? What do you do to celebrate your anniversary?

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Posted in Holidays

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Our new bundle of joy: Long Haul Films! And a giveaway.

January 5th, 2011

Tom and I see The Long Haul Project as our “baby” and we’re excited to announce that we’re giving our baby a sibling!  We’re launching a new initiative called Long Haul Films, a video production company focused on creating bespoke videos and personal documentaries that capture the essence of major life events. Think engagement video shoots, personal music videos, family video “portraits”, weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs and more– all captured with unique style, taste and sophistication.

To celebrate this exciting news, we have our first ever giveaway! We’ll send one lucky reader a Lomography Action Sampler Camera and 3 rolls of 35 mm film to get you started on your lomography adventures.

Lomography Action Sampler


For a chance to win, visit the Long Haul Films page and then write a comment below before midnight on January 6, 2011. We’ll draw one lucky winner at random. We have this camera ourselves and it’s a fun and easy way to start experimenting with lomography. Here are a couple of the shots we’ve taken…









We would love to hear your feedback about Long Haul Films, so please keep the comments coming or email us at info@thelonghaulproject.com. We also need your help to spread the word about Long Haul Films, so please share the news with friends and connections who might be interested in our services. Thanks in advance for supporting our new little bundle of video joy!

You may also have noticed that along with a new year and a new production company, we have a new look for The Long Haul Project blog. We updated the design and layout a little bit to reflect how we’ve grown and changed since we launched 8 months ago. We hope you like it as much as we do.

Here’s to plenty more exciting news in 2011!

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Posted in Announcements

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I do, all over again

November 29th, 2010

At our next wedding, I get the bouquet

I didn’t used to get why couples would renew their vows. All the hassle, stress and expense of a wedding for a second time? No way! Recently, however, I’ve changed my opinion.

Reason 1: Tom and I extended our TLHP remit and are shooting wedding videos. I started researching wedding blogs to see what makes a great video… and found myself totally sucked in. Not only do I watch all the videos, but I pour over the style tips, photography and how-to guides. Every day I check back to see what’s new– is it going to be a “rustic romance” wedding, or maybe a “city chic” event? Perhaps there will be some adorable engagement pictures, or maybe a D-I-Y bridal hair article. I didn’t do anywhere near this much research and reading for my actual wedding and now that it’s behind me, I have at least six alternate dream weddings in my head. That’s where I figure renewing the vows comes in– think of it as a wedding do-over.

To Tom’s credit, when I mentioned this to him he didn’t run screaming from the room (I guess he’s used to me approaching him with at least one harebrained scheme a day). As we talked about it, Reason 2 why I now believe in renewing your vows occurred to me. I think back to our wedding day, less than four years ago, and notice how much we’ve changed. Not only have our tastes changed, but so have many of our individual and shared goals in life. That’s why I like the idea of renewing our vows every 5 years and recommitting to our marriage as the people we are, rather than who we were on our first wedding day.

So now that I’ve justified it on a deep and philosophical level, I just need to pick which of my dream weddings I want to try out first. And talk to my Dad to see if he minds picking up the tab again…

If you’re interested in drooling over some of my favorite wedding blogs check out Style Me Pretty and Green Wedding Shoes. For beautiful wedding videography, try For You Love Me (husband and wife we love ALERT) and I Do Films and make sure to also watch their hilarious “Wonder Years” send-up.

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Do you want a marriage? Or just a wedding?

November 17th, 2010

Every once in a while you’ll be twenty or thirty minutes into a conversation with an engaged couple and you’ll realize that while they’ve talked your ear off about the minutae of their planned wedding, they haven’t  once mentioned the word love, or talked about their plans for married life, or about what getting married means for their relationship.

And suddenly you get it: they don’t necessarily want the marriage, they just want the wedding.

Let’s be clear: getting married is a great excuse for a huge party, one that everyone you love will want to come to. It will be a party where all the attention is on you and you will (in theory) get to call the shots. Your wedding day is, and should be, the biggest day of your life. A day you’ll remember as long as you live.

But if what you want is the party, throw a party. And don’t confuse getting married with being married.

One is a sprint, the other a marathon. One is about getting everything perfect for this one singular day, and the other is about developing and reevaluating and shifting perfection over the course of many years.

As well as preparing for your big day, it’s probably wise to spend some time preparing for what comes afterward, because the wedding is not the finish line, it’s the start line.

And sometimes you’ll be two minutes into a conversation with an engaged couple and they’ll tell you how – even though they’re excited for the wedding – they can’t wait to get it over and done with so they can start spending the rest of their lives with each other. And you know they get it.

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Jenny and Nathan get hitched

November 1st, 2010

Mr. and Mrs. Spencer

On Saturday, we had the privilege of bringing The Long Haul to York, Maine to document the wedding of Jennifer Scott and Nathan Spencer. At the Long Haul, we say that we’re more about the marriage than we are about the wedding but this wedding reminded us of how beautiful it is to celebrate two people finding each other, falling in love and promising to stick together through thick and thin. It was inspiring to see a couple at the start of their journey and their excitement, optimism and clear adoration for each other was a refreshing reminder of what marriage is all about

Chef Hegedus works on his pumpkiny masterpiece

Our favorite thing about the day was how “Jenny and Nathan” it was, with every element a reflection of who they are and what they’re passionate about, from the ceremony to the music to the food. We also loved seeing how their family and friends contributed to make the day special, with special Long Haul commendation going to Paul Hegedus (himself a TLHP subject) who made 3 (count ‘em 3!!!) customized cakes for the event.  As a pumpkin obsessive, my personal favorite was the pumpkin spice.


We wish Jenny and Nathan the very best for their marriage and look forward to watching their journey together unfold.

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Posted in Musings on Marriage

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