Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. I’m going to resist the urge to bash Kim and her entourage of fame-hungry and largely talent-starved family members (oops, too late) and instead focus on the larger issue it inspired me to think about: how quick is too quick to get married?
Another DASH down the aisle. Get it, get it?
Kim is marrying some basketball player after 9 months together. That’s eons in comparison to her sister Khloe’s whirlwind engagement and marriage to some other basketball player (ok, I know his name is Lamar and that their entire courtship went down in about a month). Of course, then there’s sister Kourtney who is Baby Momma to a guy (not a basketball player) who she’s been with for years but hasn’t married (which could be down to the fact that he’s, for lack of a more polite phrase, a complete tool). But anyway, all of this raises two very important questions for me:
- Is there such a thing as too soon to get married?
- Why do I know so much about the Kardashians?
I can offer no sensible answer for the second question, so let’s delve into the first. It’s interesting to look at celebrities within this conversation because there’s a preponderance of quickie marriages in Hollywood and more than a few divorces. So why do celebs tend to walk down the aisle so quickly and run to divorce court even quicker? And what can it teach us mere mortals about marriage?
One major cause of divorce is that many people view marriage as their “happily ever after” and expect to leave their problems at the altar. This is a Hollywood construct, so no surprise actors buy into the myth that they will ride off into a cinematic sunset after they’re pronounced man and wife. The reality is that putting a ring on it does not put an end to your differences, it does not solve your problems and it does not prevent life from being stressful and challenging.
Another major cause of divorce is that couples rarely discuss their expectations for the marriage in detail before the wedding. The focus is on dresses and canapes and there’s usually little to no discussion about teensy-tinsy little details like managing finances; resolving disagreements; the role family and friends will play in married life; how you’ll balance professional and personal commitments; whether you want to have kids; how you’ll co-parent; what you’ll do if one person hates their job; what you’ll do if one person loses their job; who will take out the trash; and on, and on and on. These are some of the big and little things that make up a marriage. They can be incredibly challenging to work through together, even in the strongest relationships. The longer you spend dating, the more likely you are to encounter some “low” times as a couple. It gives you the chance to practice working on issues together and supporting each other.
Taking time before the wedding lets you really get to know the person you’re marrying. You may have met “the one”, but that doesn’t mean he’s perfect. Is he grouchy about your family coming over to visit? Does he clean the bathroom every once in a while? How good is he at managing his money? Everyone has weaknesses, but it’s easy to miss those when you’re in the first flush of love. The longer you’re with someone the more you know them as a whole person, flaws and all, and not an idealized version.
The Beatles sang “All You Need Is Love”, and while it’s a great sentiment what I’ve discovered is that for a good marriage, love is just the first ingredient. You also need patience, understanding, openness, good communication, willingness to compromise, maturity, flexibility, tolerance and tenacity. It takes time to develop those skills. If you don’t take that time before the wedding, you’re going to have to after the wedding. That’s where we see a lot of celebrity marriages falling apart. When the big day is over and the pictures have been published in US Weekly, many celebs realize they don’t have any of the skills needed to be a good husband or wife. Plenty of non-celebrities have the same realization. Having to learn all of those skills on the spot can put your marriage under a lot of pressure. The longer you date, the more skills you can build up to bring into married life.
While there’s no “magic number” to how long you should date before marriage and I know many examples of people who marry quickly and have long and successful relationships, my advice is that you should take your time. After all, you’re getting married for life so what’s the rush?
What’s your perspective? Do you think couples who date for longer have a higher chance for success? Or do you feel like “you know when you know” and you can work out any issues after the wedding day? I’d love to hear what you think.
* Editor’s Note: Thanks to Brandon Morris for suggesting this blog topic.
