Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Are all love songs a packs of lies and nonsense? Discuss.

March 8th, 2012

I recently read a scathing attack on the lyrics of Extreme’s 1993 hit ‘More Than Words’. Seems like this criticism is coming a little late to the game (by, say, almost 20 years) but can you really disagree that this power ballad played fast and loose with the rules of grammar?

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know

But does a love song really need perfect syntax to be meaningful? Go back to The Delfonics ‘Lalala Means I love You’ or ‘Be Bop a Lula, She’s My Baby’ (covered by everyone from The Everly Brothers to The Beatles to Queen). Or more recent offerings, like  Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya’. Is it the richest writing since Shakespeare composed his sonnets? Absolutely not.

Heeeyyy… Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeeyyy… Yaaaaaaa.. (Don’t want to meet your daddy, OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Just want you in my Caddy OHH OH)
Heeeyyy… Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH, don’t want to meet yo’ mama OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Just wan’t to make you cumma OHH OH)

But does it make you want to grab your lady and hit the dance floor? Heck yeah.

It seems to me that the best love songs allow you to project yourself – and your lover – fully into the lyrics so that it seems like the song could have been written exclusively for you. The more ridiculous the lyrics, the easier it is for you to drift away into a fantasy world where your girlfriend is ‘my brown-eyed girl’ or you decide that ‘everything I do, I do it for you’.

That's either Billy Corgan or Sinead O'Connor...

There are love songs out there that paint a more complex picture of people and relationships – the highs and lows, the challenges, the imperfections and annoyances – but they never seem to go down as the iconic love songs.

For the record, our favorite love song is ‘Luna’ by the Smashing Pumpkins. It was the first song Melissa and I realized we both loved. It was the first dance at our wedding. And a lot of the lyrics make absolutely no sense, whatsoever.

What moonsongs
Do you sing your babies?
What sunshine do you bring?

Who belongs
Who decides who’s crazy
Who rights wrongs where others cling?

I have to admit I have no idea what Billy Corgan is talking about. I’ve never sung a moonsong to Melissa.. I don’t right wrongs, even where others cling. But there’s a beautiful, clear simplicity to the last couples of verses of the song:

I’m in love with you
So in love
I’m in love with you
With you
I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you
So in love
I’m in love with you
I’m so in love
I’m in love with you

That’s a sentiment that’s easy to understand and remains very true.

OK, your turn. What are your favorite love songs? Is the song honest? Is a love song any less valid because it’s complete nonsense?

4 Comments »

Posted in Musings on Marriage

Tags:

Can you be happily married and happily in business together?

March 6th, 2012

“I could NEVER work with my husband.”

“My wife and I would kill each other if we tried to be business partners.”

“I just heard a story about a husband and wife who got divorced after launching a business together”.

Since Tom and I began working on The Long Haul Project and Long Haul Films, we’ve heard those kind of sentiments dozens of times. We’ve been getting it more often in the last couple of months since I decided to go full-time. At first, I felt smug when people said it; interpreting the remark as a sign that people respected, admired and maybe even envied us. Lately, the comments have sounded more ominous to me, like they carry a note of warning. Here’s my interpretation:

Watch out! Since you’re working full-time together, all bets are off. You might have thought you could work together when this whole “business” idea was a fun, creative sideline. Now that it’s the real deal, you might as well go ahead and hire divorce lawyers.

Could we REALLY be this happy working together (photo courtesy of the talented Leah Haydock)

Of course, this interpretation could be my paranoia. I tend to convince myself that other people are judging me all the time. In reality, I’m sure most people do respect, admire and even envy that Tom and I are able to work so well together. Still, all the comments about how most people can’t imagine working with their spouse put me on high alert. Are we weird? Or naïve to think that we can be happily married and happily in business together? Going into this new phase of our working life and our relationship, I’ve been conscious of keeping open communication about how it’s working as we navigate the transition. A few things that I think we’ve done well so far:

1. Setting ground rules early

During his six months of working full-time on Long Haul Films without me, Tom developed a lunchtime routine. He takes a break and watches episodes of his favorite comedies on Hulu. He returns to work feeling refreshed and ready to go. Tom was worried that I would put an end to his Hulu lunches once I started working from home. Especially since after a decade of working in the advertising industry, I’m not used to lunch breaks. In fact, I’m not used to any downtime during the day. I like it, but I it’s actually a really big adjustment.

Tom and I had a discussion on my first “official” day working from home and agreed to respect each other’s preferences for working hours and break times. I respect his lunchtime ritual. If we’re not on a shoot, I prefer to work through lunch; it’s one of my most creative, energetic times of day. But Tom didn’t bat an eye when I skipped out early for an afternoon manicure the other day!

2. Managing our calendar

Now that we’re working together, we’re sharing a Google Calendar and I can’t imagine how we lived without it. We put all of our meetings and appointments on there; both those we’re doing together and individually. It really helps us keep track of what’s coming up.

Because I’m kind of a dork, I’ve scheduled regular check-in meetings for the two of us to talk about bigger picture business items. I think the tendency if you’re husband and wife business partners is to assume that you’ll “get around” to having important business discussions, and postpone them longer than you should. Or end up with business talk bleeding into what’s supposed to be your down time. When we’ve needed to talk about something important, or tackle something particularly challenging, I’ve made sure to schedule it on the calendar and send Tom an invitation (yes, I said I’m a dork!).

3. Follow our bliss

Ultimately, we decided to launch our own business because we wanted to enjoy life, take on projects that inspire us and work in a way that is fun, flexible and genuinely motivating. We want every choice we make with Long Haul Films to be about something that makes us feel happy in our lives: from the projects we take on to the people we work with. That can be tough when the calendar is empty and there are bills to pay. But we’ve been inspired by the philosophy of Joseph Campbell who said: “follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.”  We figure if we keep reminding ourselves of that motto, we’ll be able to maintain a happy business and a happy marriage.

So readers. Do any of you work with your husband or wife? Any advice to help us successfully navigate this transition?

If you’re interested in this topic, read more about the pleasures and pitfalls of working with your spouse here and here. And check out Leahhaydock.com if you want to see more work from one of the most talented photographers we know….

2 Comments »

Posted in Advice

Tags:

Everybody say happy birthday to Tom!

March 2nd, 2012

Today is Tom’s birthday. For some reason, it’s made me contemplative. Even more so than my own birthday. Probably because my own birthday just makes me feel annoyed (in the whole: why did I have to be born two days after Christmas? way).

I met Tom less than two weeks before his 25th birthday. Having to deal with a birthday or major holiday within the first weeks of a fledgling relationship is stressful. Should I buy him a gift? How much should I spend? What to write in the card that would be nice but not too revealing?

And then there was the birthday party with all the friends I’d yet to meet. To go or not to go? And what to wear?

I had the perfect gift idea. Tom had told me in passing about a BBC series called Our Friends in the North that he loved (starring a young Daniel Craig. It’s amazing… you should check it out). It was only available at the BBC store, which was conveniently located near my flat. But it was expensive. Or at least, expensive to buy for someone you’d known for less than two weeks. Would it be giving away how much I liked him if I bought it? I prevaricated. I hemmed and hawed. I bought him a much cheaper DVD of Spike Jonze music videos. But at the last moment, I ran out and bought Our Friends in the North. I knew he’d love it. It became the first of many movies and television shows that we obsessively watched together.

Then there was the card. For a long time, Tom kept it on his desk. It might still be around somewhere. I wrote a very short message in it about the year ahead, and that I hoped to enjoy it with him. Ack, I was giving the game away! Be cool, Melissa, be cool.

Finally, there was the birthday party. I spent the whole day shopping on Oxford Street for a new outfit and I still remember what I wore. A maroon Top Shop t-shirt, denim mini skirt and fringed, suede boots (sadly, there is no photographic evidence of this elegant ensemble. This was still way before I had a camera phone or a Facebook account, people).

I knew there was no chance I could face the party alone, so I convinced my friend Neha to come with me to Clapham, where Tom was having his birthday celebration at an infamous nightclub called Infernos. Anyone who has lived in South London in their 20s has been to this place at one point or another. It’s the kind of nightclub that you need to be very, very, very drunk to appreciate. It’s the definition of a meat market, with guys who grind up against you on the 70s-style dance floor and DJs playing non-stop cheesy music. My overwhelming memory is that the floor was strewn with broken glass and I was worried about slashing my new boots.

Tom was surrounded by friends from every walk of his life, and I was afraid of feeling awkward and out-of place among them. But as soon as I arrived, Tom was totally focused on me. His friends, bless them, took great care of Neha, protecting her from any dance floor grind-pests and generally keeping her entertained while Tom and I floated off in a world of our own. I didn’t have much to drink, but I felt completely intoxicated being near Tom. At one point, he pulled me aside and kissed me. I actually felt dizzy; the room spun in a blur as blood rushed to my head. I know, I know it’s such a cliche…. but it’s true!

Then Tom whispered in my ear that he thought he was falling in love with me. I said the same. It felt too soon but also totally, completely just right.

For this year’s birthday there won’t be any cheesy nightclubs. I won’t buy a new outfit. Tom already knows what his gift is going to be (a new bike to replace his poor, stolen one). We’re not 25 anymore. Our lives are different. Daniel Craig is now James Bond.

But I still love being around Tom just as much as I did on that first birthday we spent together. And I’m so happy to spend another one with him. Everybody say happy birthday to Tom!

Happy birthday, T!

6 Comments »

Posted in Holidays

Tags:

Are newlyweds more prepared than ever for the realities of marriage?

February 27th, 2012

The past few months have been extremely busy for us, not least because it’s engagement season and we’re getting a ton of inquiries from brides and grooms.

At some point in the process with each couple, we try to meet up for a drink or a coffee.

Often we’ll start off talking about the details of the wedding day itself, but eventually we’ll ask questions like ‘how did you meet?’ or ‘what was the proposal like?’ The answers are always sweet and inspiring and often lead to conversations about marriage as a whole.

What I’ve found most interesting from these conversations is how aware the couples generally are about what marriage will mean to them. Much more so than when Melissa and I were at the same point in our relationship.

Which prompts me to wonder whether all the information that’s out there now about marriage is making a difference.

We speak with couples who seem much more attuned to the fact that marriage is a new stage of their relationship, that it will bring change, both good and bad, and that there will be challenges along the way.

Vote for us?

We were thrilled to have been nominated for About.com’s 2012 Best Marriage Blog or Website (shameless plug: please feel free to vote for us to win. It only takes a second!) but we’re even happier to be alongside other wonderful blogs and sites, each approaching the subject of marriage from a different angle. With so much information out there, it would seem almost impossible to avoid educating yourself about marriage. But we’re still heartened when we see evidence of it in the couples about to embark on that journey.

Did you read marriage blogs before you got married? How did you prepare for married life? Do you think today’s couples have a better chance of a successful marriage now that advice is a Google search away?

2 Comments »

Posted in Advice

Tags:

Lessons from a weekend apart: Paul and Linda McCartney were wrong about marriage

February 23rd, 2012

The other day, Melissa posted her perspective on spending a few days away on her own. Now, it’s Tom’s turn. How did he feel about it?

Paul and Linda McCartney famously never spent a night apart for the duration of their marriage. And while it may have worked for them, I don’t think it would work for us.

I think a little time apart does wonders for a marriage. Right before Melissa left for South Carolina, she asked me what I was planning to do with my time, and I told her I was planning to mainly work. Sounds a little pathetic, I know, especially when she told me that in the same situation she’d organize a girls’ night out, see friends or otherwise socialize.

Tommy time!

It’s not that I’m anti-social. I’m really not. I’m never the life and soul of the party, but I like being at the party. I like hanging out with the life and soul. But I also like being on my own. I really like being on my own. I crave solitude if it’s been denied me for a while. Melissa calls it “Tommy time”.

So while work was going to be the focus of my Tommy time while Melissa was in South Carolina, that was just a function of how busy we’ve been and how important it was to finish up the last of the editing from our 2011 weddings. If it hadn’t been work, I’m sure I would have found something else to fill my Tommy time.

I’m sure there’s some deeply Jungian reason why I enjoy time by myself, but I frankly have no interest in unearthing it. I like that I like solitude and don’t really see a problem with it.

And it’s important to note that while I enjoyed my Tommy time, I was definitely ready for Melissa to come home. Tommy time is only enjoyable because it’s not the norm, and if I had to choose between a life of only Tommy time or only time spent with Melissa, the latter would win by a considerable margin.

4 Comments »

Posted in Musings on Marriage

Tags:

Lessons from a weekend apart: why every wife needs to fly solo sometimes

February 21st, 2012

A couple of weeks ago, I went away on my own to visit my parents.

The anticipation of an airport good-bye fills me with dread and reawakens the muscle memory of all the tough good-byes from my eight years living in London. I felt anxious when Tom dropped me off at the airport, even though we would only be apart for a few days. I feel this way whenever we travel without each other. No matter how many times we do it, my mind always conjures horror stories of things that will go wrong while we’re apart. Maybe my plane will crash. Maybe he’ll get in a car accident. Maybe the dog will be run over by a bus. Worst case scenarios dance through my brain as I check my luggage.

Flying solo can be a good thing

Then something funny happens as I pass through security and head to my gate. The cars stop crashing in my mind and a lightness comes over me. Being a lone traveler feels energizing and full of possibility. When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you’re used to consulting with someone on choices all day. It’s liberating to say: Yes, I’m going to grab a latte at Starbucks and not ask Tom if he wants one, too. Even though he’d say yes, there’s just something about making my own decisions that feels like an indulgence.

I worry I’ve become too dependent on Tom. He’s naturally good at pretty much everything, which has made me lazy. When we travel together, Tom glances at a map of a new city and has his bearings right away. I can travel the same route 10 times and still not remember the route. So it’s easier to let him do the navigating. We’ve fallen into gender stereotypes when we’re out together. He always pays at restaurants or the grocery store for some reason, even though we share a bank account and the money is coming from the same source. If anything breaks (electronic or otherwise) I don’t bother trying to figure out what’s wrong with it. I just call for Tom and he fixes it in seconds.

While it’s lovely to have such a smart, reliable husband who takes care of me, I worry that my independence has eroded. I come from a long line of not-so-independent women, and I feel like I’m fighting against a genetic “dependence default”. Traveling on my own reminds me that I’m capable and connects me to the importance of carving out time for myself.

All that said, being away reminded me how many times during the day I really want to share something with Tom. I don’t feel like I’ve had an experience if I can’t talk it through with him. I’m used to blurting out any thought that comes into my head to him (much to his chagrin now that we’re working from home together). The truth is that most of the things I do in life are better with Tom by my side. I guess that’s a good way to feel about your husband…

How about you? Do you relish your alone time, or do you like to do everything with your partner? Women, have you fallen into some bad habits when it comes to independence, like I have? Any tips for making sure you keep the balance?

13 Comments »

Posted in Musings on Marriage

Tags:

A letter to my husband on our fifth wedding anniversary

February 17th, 2012

Dear Tommy,

Eight (eight!) years ago this month, you decided to go to that party with Rik and both our lives changed. We had one of those conversations where the world disappears and time slows down. We kissed on Poland Street. We delighted in a shared love of Waterloo Bridge. You made me lasagna and we watched Lost in Translation (you passed the test). I walked you to the bus stop, then you walked me back to my apartment and that was it for us. We were together.

One the second anniversary of us meeting, you planned a whole day of fun for me in London. It was freezing, but we walked through Highgate Woods and watched a French film. You were quiet all day… because you were walking around with a ring in your pocket.

Early signs of our future obsession, circa the honeymoon

Just under a year later, our family and friends converged in London for one of the most wonderful, chaotic, exhausting, amazing weeks of our lives. If I could live any week over again that would be the one, especially that Saturday at The Groucho Club which, in addition to being the day we were pronounced husband and wife, was the best party I’d EVER attended. The less said about the cyclone on our honeymoon the better, but it certainly taught us that married life would have its fair share of storm clouds. And that all we needed to survive them was a few (hundred) games of table tennis and a camcorder.

By our first wedding anniversary we had uprooted our entire lives and moved to Boston. We were so tired and overwhelmed that winter that we only had the energy for a quiet dinner at a local restaurant. We started our anniversary rituals: treating ourselves to a bottle of champagne and buying the traditional anniversary gifts (which I might not have agreed to if I realized how long it was before we’d get to “diamonds” on the list).

For our second and third wedding anniversaries, we were in the midst of the failed suburban experiment and let’s face it, we were a little bit lost. No one tells you how tough those first years of married life can be. Well, maybe someone tells you but you just ignore them. Either way, there were points when I think we both wondered how many more wedding anniversaries we might see.

Anniversary walk (well, sprint) on the beach

But then things changed. By our fourth wedding anniversary we were in the midst of a revolution in our lives and were starting what was the very best, happiest, most fulfilling year of our marriage. We kicked it off with a new tradition: a winter walk on the beach and fried clams (well, for me). In the past year we learned a lot about ourselves and decided to take a major risk together. We had more fun than we’d had since we first met. We worked really, really hard. We laughed all the time.

Now here we are after five years of marriage and almost eight years together. We have a lot to celebrate and a lot to anticipate. Experience has taught me that there will be other storms, other arguments, other tough periods in our marriage. What I hope is that we never lose sight of how much better we’ve made each other’s lives; how much we’ve challenged and pushed each other; how much we’ve been able to grow together. Married life with you has been an incredible adventure and I hope it keeps feeling that way for a long time to come.

Happy 5th wedding anniversary, husband-face!

Love,
M

P.S. Don’t think I’m giving up on the vow renewal idea….

 

10 Comments »

Posted in Holidays

Tags:

This Valentine’s Day we’re embracing all things cheesy

February 14th, 2012

This is an extra special big week for love in the Dowler household. Friday is our 5th wedding anniversary, but first we have a warm-up lovefest in the form of Valentine’s Day.

The perfect gift for a cheesy V-day. Hope Tom got the memo.

Because we met, got engaged and got married within the same week as V-day, we never used to celebrate the holiday. And let’s face it, even when you’re madly in love there’s something annoying about being ordered to feel romantic for a whole day. Especially when that day is in February and usually cold, gray, rainy or snowy. But last year, I decided to embrace the spirit of Valentine’s Day as part of my year-long effort to stop being grumpy about major holidays (you might recall the whole “kicking the Grinch out of Christmas” initiative).

This year we decided on a theme for V-day. We wanted something that captures the essence of the day, and decided what better way to celebrate the cheesiest of holidays than with actual cheese? We’re having a cheese-themed V-day, from the cheesy scrambled eggs we’re eating at breakfast to the cheese plate we’ll nibble on while watching one of the many cheesy romances I’ve put on our Netflix queue (I’ve been waiting for the perfect excuse to watch Melissa Joan Hart and Adrian Grenier in Drives Me Crazy).

What’s your plan for Valentine’s Day? Will you be celebrating or ignoring it? Any cheesy plans of your own?

2 Comments »

Posted in Holidays

Tags:

Does not having kids mean that I’ll never really grow up?

February 8th, 2012

Regular readers of The Long Haul Project will know that I periodically write about our decision not to have kids. This decision has not been an easy one. I reassure myself that not having kids is a valid choice for someone who feels limited (to no) maternal instincts. I relish the opportunities and experiences that we’re able to explore because we’re not in nesting mode. But, thus far, I haven’t managed to completely quell the creeping voices of doubt and uncertainty. I wrote about them before here, contemplating if the decision not to have kids meant I was callous and unwomanly. And I’ve been thinking about the topic this week, but now I’m wondering if our decision not to become parents means that we’ll never become real grown-ups.

Livin' the Downton way

I just spent a few days visiting my parents. It’s weird but wonderful to visit “home”. A place where other people procure and prepare food for you, always picks up the tab at a restaurant, buy you cute clothes just because, even make your bed while you’re taking a shower. It’s what I imagine life would like with a Sugar Daddy, or if I lived at Downton Abbey.

My parents’ house is spotlessly clean. I don’t know how they do it, but I never see dust on shelves or dishes left in the sink or scuff marks on the floor. They never run out of anything– there’s an abundance. The refrigerator is always stocked, their huge bathroom is full to the brim with yummy-smelling soaps and lotions, there’s a stack of magazines to read, the television in the guest bedroom has more than 1,000 channels. When I’m there, I feel a soporific sense of being safe and protected; like I’m a kid again.

I’m 34 years old. Every week, my husband and I stare into the bright, bare abyss of our refrigerator trying to figure out what recipe we can concoct from half a cucumber, olives and a block of cheddar cheese. We’re often on the brink of a toiletry crisis. We don’t have cable TV or a car. Sometimes I wonder when we’re going to grow up, and suspect maybe we’re not… or at least in the same way our parents grew up.

When my parents were 34, they had a 7 year old (me) and a 4-year old (my brother). They had to think about getting us to school, preparing our meals, taking care of us when we were ill. Letting the refrigerator go bare or giving up their car wasn’t an option. Neither was the risk of starting their own business, renting their house and moving to the city, or taking time off to travel. My parents’ decision to start a family put them on the path towards a specific kind of adulthood; one with responsibilities that Tom and I don’t have. And let’s face it, responsibilities that we’ve run a mile to avoid.

I love the life that Tom and I have made for ourselves, I really do. I can’t help but worry, though. If I don’t have kids and experience that kind of adulthood, am I an adult at all? Am I in a state of suspended adolescence, never moving past the inherent self-absorption of youth?  Am I on a path to being 70 years old and still shopping at Forever 21? Will the day ever come when I learn how to buy enough food at the grocery store to make it through a week of cooking dinners?

How about you? Do you feel like a “grown-up”?  When did you realize you had passed into adulthood? Did it involve having kids or was it another rite of passage? As always, love reading your comments!

11 Comments »

Posted in Musings on Marriage

Tags:

Cape Cod wedding trailer: Becky & Brian at Chatham Bars Inn

February 3rd, 2012

We posted this on Facebook, so you may have already seen it, but if you didn’t here’s the trailer for Becky & Brian, who got married on the Cape in mid-November.

We had a mild fall here in New England, so there were actually still leaves on the trees. Becky & Brian had great weather for a November wedding – clear and sunny, with just a little wind when we got close to the beach.

Like us, Becky & Brian are not only married, but also run a business together, a fashion line called Mahi Gold (if you look carefully you’ll see their logo in the trailer), and, in fact, when we emailed them the link to watch the trailer for the first time, they were at a trade show in Florida, and had to race back to somewhere with a good internet connection to watch it.

We’ve been meeting a ridiculous number of awesome, talented and super-friendly photographers lately, and we had a great time shooting alongside Meghann and Ruth. You can see Meghann’s shots from the day on her blog.

 

Leave your comment »

Posted in Weddings

Tags: