Posts Tagged ‘Kim Kardashian’

I have a theory about the Seal & Heidi breakup

January 27th, 2012

Is it just me or is every celebrity marriage dissolving in front of our eyes? I mean, Russell Brand and Katy Perry is one thing – not even they can have imagined it would last as long as it did – but now the news that Heidi and Seal are to divorce? It’s just too much.

The interwebs are aflame with disbelief. Not Heidi and Seal! they say. Of all the celebrity couples out there, we thought at least they would last.

Am I the only one who thinks a white scarf runs the risk of making you look like Mumm-Raa from ThunderCats?

This got me thinking.

Why is it everyone was so convinced that Heidi and Seal’s marriage was so goshdarnit perfect? It’s not like any of us could tell how well they communicated, or how well they physically clicked and used intimacy as a glue to hold their relationship together. We don’t know what their respective love languages are, and how fluent each was in the other’s.

I did a quick google of all the blog posts and news items and it turns out that everyone in the entire world who thought they were a solid couple based that belief on one main factor.

They renewed their vows each year in a lavish ceremony.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s definitely a risk that if you do a lot to outwardly show how in love you are and what a great couple you are, it’s either an attempt to mask the fact that you’re a terrible couple, or at the very least it’s an activity that takes your energy and focus away from actually spending time doing the real things that will sustain and improve your marriage. Melissa thinks that the fact I’m making this statement on a blog all about our marriage is hypocritical. But the difference (I think) is that this blog is reflective of the amount of work we put into our marriage. When things aren’t going so well, we share it.

I’ve got nothing against vow renewals. Melissa is desperately trying to convince me that we should have one, as a way to mark the amazing improvements we’ve made in our marriage over the past couple of years. TLHP alum Alisa Bowman and her husband Mark had one because they turned their marriage around from the brink of failure.

But an annual vow renewal has all the power stripped out of it because it becomes a foregone conclusion. Which means you stop thinking about whether you want to renew your vows, and start doing it because that’s what you do. It’s a little like giving medals to all the kids who take part in the race. Sure, it makes it look like everyone’s a winner, but that doesn’t mean you won’t find someone crying under the bleachers before the afternoon is over.

Do you think there’s more to the Heidi and Seal situation than meets the eye? What’s your theory?

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Posted in Bad Marriage Role Model, Musings on Marriage

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A year in marriage with Wills & Kate, Ashton & Demi and (of course) Kim Kardashian

December 28th, 2011

I really hate that this time of year prompts a flurry of retrospectives, endlessly analyzing the 12 months just past.

But if you can’t beat ‘em…

2011 was an interesting year for the institution of marriage.

The obvious highlight was the marriage of the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge (that’s William and Kate to fellow devotees of Lifetime TV movie William & Kate – we’re not going to lie, we watched it, we enjoyed it, and we’ll probably watch this as well) back in April (seriously? April?).

But really, that was all about a wedding, not marriage. Arguably, the biggest marriage story this year was June’s legalization of gay marriage in New York. There hasn’t yet been any domino effect of other states legalizing same-sex marriage, but there is a sense that the conversation, on a national level, has changed. Sadly, the conversation was soured by the actions of people like Rose Marie Belforti, the town clerk of Ledyard, NY, who decided that she could ignore the law change, and discriminate against gay couples while hiding behind her religious beliefs.

On the celebrity front, it was almost all about the old folks. Sir Paul McCartney married Nancy Shevell, erstwhile comedian Robin Williams married Susan Schneider and Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed tied the knot after cohabiting for some 27 years.

One wedding in southern Italy had a guestlist including Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Johnny Depp and Nicolas Cage. And as far as Melissa is concerned, it wasn’t just the wedding of the year, but the wedding of the century, and she gives a big thumbs up to the marriage of Sofia Coppola and Thomas Mars – her favorite director and favorite French electropop frontman respectively.

However, it seems like 2011 was more about celebrity divorce than celebrity marriage. Ashton and Demi, Ryan and ScarJo, Zooey and Ben, J-Lo and Marc Anthony, Arnie and Maria, Ashley and Pete…  all of them filed papers this year, but all of them were overshadowed by the media manatee that was…

Kim and Kris.

But the least said about that, the better.

If the K & K saga made you depressed about famous people’s ability to make good relationship decisions, take heart from Crystal Harris, the 24 year old Playmate who decided in June not to marry 84 year old Hugh Hefner.

But what about 2011 as a year for the Tom & Melissa marriage?

For us, it’s been a great year – maybe even the best year of our marriage so far. We launched our business, made a sweet documentary short and took one step closer to becoming local celebrities. But more than that, this year we’ve improved how we communicate (partly thanks to the Marriage Prep 101 course we took in April), taken charge of our lives and our marriage and generally strengthened and improved our marriage.

I think it’s fair to say that as a result, we’re happier, more confident and looking forward to what 2012 brings.

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Posted in Musings on Marriage

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Should we judge short-lived celebrity marriages?

December 12th, 2011

Back in January I wrote a blog post about the married couples we’d most like to interview. On the first draft I included Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, but by the time the post was due to be published, they’d announced that, after two years of marriage, they were divorcing.

And we judged. We said “if you give up after two years, you haven’t tried hard enough.”

How is it possible that neither of these people is Canadian?

At the start of November, another celebrity divorce stayed under the radar. You may not even have heard about it. Zooey Deschanel (professional kook and star of one of the last decade’s best movies, Elf (500) Days of Summer) announced her divorce from Death Cab For Cutie frontman Benjamin Gibbard.

After two years.

Now, the reason it stayed under the radar was because – on a good day to bury bad divorce news – the announcement came just a day after Kim Kardashian filed for a divorce from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries.

And now that the Kardash dust has settled, I’m tempted to throw some retrospective judgement at Zooey and Ben. Two years, guys? That’s the best you can do? What did you think marriage was going to entail? How can you give up on your marriage after two short years?

No-one should stay in a marriage that isn’t working, but equally, shouldn’t one only leave after all attempts to save the marriage have been exhausted? How many attempts can you have made if you’ve only been married two years?

But are we right to judge Zooey, Ben, Ryan, Scarlett, Kim, Kris, Ashton and Demi? Why is it anyone’s business what anyone else chooses to do with their lives? After all, if we (vehemently) believe that same sex couples have the right to get married, shouldn’t we also believe that any couple has the right to whatever sort of marriage they want – even if it’s a frivolous, misguided one?

Probably.

Which is why I’m setting aside judgement of stupid celebrity marriages. If Zooey and Ben are ready to throw in the towel, it doesn’t really affect me. And it certainly doesn’t affect my marriage.

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Posted in Bad Marriage Role Model

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What Kim Kardashian can teach us about marriage (no, seriously)

November 7th, 2011

We can learn a lot about marriage from Kim Kardashian.

Even though Tom already weighed in, I wanted to lend my voice to the din surrounding this week’s announcement that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kris Humphries (who?) after 72 days. The Kardashian clan has built an entire franchise out of airing their car-crash exploits for the viewing public and Kim launched her career from a sex tape. What can we possibly learn from this example? OK, stick with me here…

Now that the honeymoon is over, what can we learn from these two?

In my opinion, Kardashian and Humphries made the same types of mistakes that many couples make– they just made them bigger, faster and in front of millions of E! viewers. So what can we learn from it all…

Lesson # 1: Don’t rush down the aisle

I was inspired to write this blog the week before the Kardashian wedding (wow, it seems so long ago now…. well, not really) pondering “how soon is too soon to head down the aisle”?  While I know couples who married in haste and have no regrets, I think most of us benefit from taking the time to get to know the person we’re marrying. What’s his family like, how does he handle stress, do you really have that much in common or is this just the first flush of love?

Don’t forget, when you’re falling for someone your brain produces all of these feel-good chemicals that make you believe that life is rosy, love is grand and everything the other person says or does is perfect. The bad news? Those chemicals don’t last forever and you need something deeper to sustain your relationship. Take the time to make sure you have that depth before committing to a life together.

Lesson # 2: Sometimes the wedding is the biggest distraction

Planning a wedding is stressful, time-consuming and expensive.  It can be hard on a relationship– to the point where we’ve encountered a bride and groom who were so stressed on the day that they didn’t even talk to each other! Planning a wedding can also be a major distraction from the real issue at hand– your relationship. It’s easier to focus on picking out flower arrangements and buying a dress than it is to think about the commitment you’re making.

For brides, planning a wedding can make you lose your perspective on reality. For many women, it’s the one day in your life where you’re the star and everyone caters to your needs. But when you wake up the next day you’re a wife… and it’s suddenly not all about you. It’s about you as part of a couple. That can be hard for anyone, never mind a spoiled pseudo-celebrity.

My advice for couples who are planning a wedding is to take time out for pre-marriage counseling. It provides you with time and space to focus on what’s really important– not the seating chart, not the bridesmaid dresses, not the bachelorette party…. but instead, your relationship.

Lesson # 3: It’s all about communication

Apparently, Kris Humphries heard the news that Kim had filed for divorce… on TMZ. Ouch. Beyond the embarrassment, what that demonstrates is that this couple was not communicating honestly with each other. I’ve been very guilty of this mistake myself. It sometimes seems easier to ignore problems in the hope they will go away and avoid talking about topics that may be unpleasant or challenging.  But the best way to solve a problem is to have an open dialogue about it with your partner. Sometimes just admitting there’s a problem and discussing it openly is enough to make real progress. You might not solve it right away, but communicating is half the battle.  And no, being interviewed about your relationship in US Weekly does not count as open communication.

Lesson # 4: Be willing to fight for it

I was pretty blown away by  a quote from Kris Humphries after the news broke: “I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents,” he said, “and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”

That sounds like a guy who gets what marriage means. Tom and I recited traditional vows at our wedding, and while I have often wished we wrote our own vows now that I look back on it, there’s something important about those words we said. Sickness and health. Good times and bad. For richer or for poorer. 

When you marry someone, you’re saying that you know it’s going to take work. That it won’t always be sunshine and puppy dogs. That some days will suck. That you will want to kill each other at one point or another. That you will need days apart. That you will be annoyed by each other’s bad habits. That hearing the same old story for the millionth time might make you want to scream.

You’re also saying that you will work through those times and stick with it.

It’s hard to believe in “irreconcilable differences” after 72 days. It seems like someone in the marriage wasn’t willing to fight for it.

So what do you think about the Kim/Kris divorce? Anything else we can learn from this ill-fated union?

 

 

 

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Tuesday Topical Bonus Blog: Kim Kardashian divorces after 72 days, but it’s gays who threaten the sanctity of marriage?

November 1st, 2011

Yesterday, Kim Kardashian announced that she filed for divorce from her husband Kris Humphries.

After 72 days of marriage.

Their wedding on August 20th of this year reputedly cost $10m  – or around $140k for every day they stayed wed. The rumor on the internet is that KK earned around $18m from the wedding due to various broadcasting and sponsorship deals, so even once you slice off the costs, she’s still up about $111k a day.

Now, hasty celebrity marriages to the wrong people are nothing new. Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney. Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. Jennifer Lopez and a bunch of different dudes. Drew Barrymore and half the male population of the world.

But none of those couples made quite such a spectacle of their betrothals, and certainly none made as much money. When Britney Spears got married to the wrong guy in 2004 she at least had the dignity to do it in a Vegas love chapel, with nary a photo exclusive in sight.

Ordinarily, I’d say ‘so what’? These knuckleheads want to waste their money getting married and divorced three months later, who cares? I think it’s extremely sad that people will watch it on TV, but that’s their prerogative.

It matters because of the nonsense people spout about the sanctity of (heterosexual) marriage.

There is no inherent purity or sanctity about straight marriage, and the sham of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries demonstrates that completely. Straight couples can get married and divorced for whatever stupid reason they like, and no-one has a damn thing to say about it – not Sarah Palin, not Glenn Beck, not Bill O’Reilly, not Rush Limbaugh, not Michelle Bachmann.

We’ve made no bones in the past about our views on gay marriage. We believe it’s time to step out of this shadow of oppression and bigotry. If you essentially believe that people of all sexualities should have equal rights, then please do something about it. Email your senator or congressman and demand that they vote to end this inequality.

I’d also suggest boycotting any programs or products starring or endorsed by the Kardashians, if only so they stop inflicting their quickie nuptials on us.

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Kim Kardashian inspires us to ask: How soon is too soon to head down the aisle?

August 22nd, 2011

Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. I’m going to resist the urge to bash Kim and her entourage of fame-hungry and largely talent-starved family members (oops, too late) and instead focus on the larger issue it inspired me to think about: how quick is too quick to get married?

Another DASH down the aisle. Get it, get it?

Kim is marrying some basketball player after 9 months together. That’s eons in comparison to her sister Khloe’s whirlwind engagement and marriage to some other basketball player (ok, I know his name is Lamar and that their entire courtship went down in about a month). Of course, then there’s sister Kourtney who is Baby Momma to a guy (not a basketball player) who she’s been with for years but hasn’t married (which could be down to the fact that he’s, for lack of a more polite phrase, a complete tool).  But anyway, all of this raises two very important questions for me:

  1. Is there such a thing as too soon to get married?
  2. Why do I know so much about the Kardashians?

I can offer no sensible answer for the second question, so let’s delve into the first. It’s interesting to look at celebrities within this conversation because there’s a preponderance of quickie marriages in Hollywood and more than a few divorces. So why do celebs tend to walk down the aisle so quickly and run to divorce court even quicker? And what can it teach us mere mortals about marriage?

One major cause of divorce is that many people view marriage as their “happily ever after” and expect to leave their problems at the altar. This is a Hollywood construct, so no surprise actors buy into the myth that they will ride off into a cinematic sunset after they’re pronounced man and wife. The reality is that putting a ring on it does not put an end to your differences, it does not solve your problems and it does not prevent life from being stressful and challenging.

Another major cause of divorce is that couples rarely discuss their expectations for the marriage in detail before the wedding. The focus is on dresses and canapes and there’s usually little to no discussion about teensy-tinsy little details like managing finances; resolving disagreements; the role family and friends will play in married life; how you’ll balance professional and personal commitments; whether you want to have kids; how you’ll co-parent; what you’ll do if one person hates their job; what you’ll do if one person loses their job; who will take out the trash; and on, and on and on. These are some of the big and little things that make up a marriage. They can be incredibly challenging to work through together, even in the strongest relationships. The longer you spend dating, the more likely you are to encounter some “low” times as a couple. It gives you the chance to practice working on issues together and supporting each other.

Taking time before the wedding lets you really get to know the person you’re marrying. You may have met “the one”, but that doesn’t mean he’s perfect. Is he grouchy about your family coming over to visit? Does he clean the bathroom every once in a while? How good is he at managing his money? Everyone has weaknesses, but it’s easy to miss those when you’re in the first flush of love. The longer you’re with someone the more you know them as a whole person, flaws and all, and not an idealized version.

The Beatles sang “All You Need Is Love”, and while it’s a great sentiment what I’ve discovered is that for a good marriage, love is just the first ingredient. You also need patience, understanding, openness, good communication, willingness to compromise, maturity, flexibility, tolerance and tenacity. It takes time to develop those skills. If you don’t take that time before the wedding, you’re going to have to after the wedding. That’s where we see a lot of celebrity marriages falling apart. When the big day is over and the pictures have been published in US Weekly, many celebs realize they don’t have any of the skills needed to be a good husband or wife. Plenty of non-celebrities have the same realization. Having to learn all of those skills on the spot can put your marriage under a lot of pressure. The longer you date, the more skills you can build up to bring into married life.

While there’s no “magic number” to how long you should date before marriage and I know many examples of people who marry quickly and have long and successful relationships, my advice is that you should take your time. After all, you’re getting married for life so what’s the rush?

What’s your perspective? Do you think couples who date for longer have a higher chance for success? Or do you feel like “you know when you know” and you can work out any issues after the wedding day? I’d love to hear what you think.

 

* Editor’s Note: Thanks to Brandon Morris for suggesting this blog topic.

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Posted in Musings on Marriage, Uncategorized

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