We’ve said it before but we’ll say it again…. when we embarked on The Long Haul Project, we never realized how much it would change our lives. One of the very best of all the amazing things the project has given us is incredible new friends. We were lucky enough to have a visit from a couple of those friends, Meghan and Tony, a few weeks ago. You might remember them as the residents of Lincoln, Nebraska and the droppers of insight bombs. You can read more about them here.
Otherwise, enjoy some pictures from our fun weekend together….
Breaking down our interview short edits into multiple parts is not something we had banked on, but Tony and Meghan had so many interesting things to say that we had no choice. And so, three months later (I hope you’ll appreciate how busy we’ve been), here is part one.
Here’s another in our ongoing series of Tony & Meghaninsight bombs. This time it’s from Tony, who echoes something that Ben said in his and Beth’s interview.
The upshot is that all those things you learned from the movies about romantic gestures are nonsense unless they involved foodstuffs.
At the end of Casablanca, did Bogey say “here’s looking at you, kid,” and then slip a Twix into the pocket of Ingrid Bergman’s coat?
Or in Ghost, when Demi sits down at the potters wheel, is it really clay running between her fingers? Or a large dollop of melted Hershey’s chocolate that she’s going to fashion into a likeness of the Swayze’s face (echoing the brilliant video to the brilliant Lionel Ritchie’s brilliant Hello), so she can present it to him in the afterlife?
I may have gotten a little off track here. I’ll let Tony take over and restore some sense and dignity to the proceedings.
In our last entry, we introduced you to the concept of “insight bombs”, i.e. all the interesting, resonant, honest stuff that Tony and Meghan said during their interview. We shared a favorite Meghan insight bomb, now we have one from Tony. Meghan underwent surgery to remove cancer from her thyroid and Tony was in the position of taking care of her. He told us a story about his reaction when Meghan’s fingers froze up as a result of a post-surgery calcium deficiency. In the course of telling it, Tony made a point that rang true about men’s solution-oriented approach to problems.
What Tony talks about in this this clip is a fundamental difference between men and women, and Tom and I experience it in our own relationship. You know that old saying “a problem shared is a problem halved”? Well, that’s not always the case between a wife and a husband. When I have a problem, I really want Tom to be there for me. By “being there for me”, I mean listening and empathizing. When Tom hears about my problem his immediate reaction is figuring out a way to fix it. In an attempt to be helpful, Tom will throw out a list of solutions. But I think he’s implying my problem is insignificant and easy to solve. I become frustrated and dismiss his suggestions. Tom, in turn, becomes frustrated because I’m ignoring his practical ideas. In fact, when I talked to him about writing this blog entry he said his perception was that I dismiss his suggestions because I “don’t want to solve the problem”.
With this communication gap, the problem shared becomes a problem doubled.
This is one of the reasons why I’m reading “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation” by Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University who has written extensively on how different communication styles create challenges in relationships (in addition to examining how men and women converse, she has written about the communication challenges faced by mothers and daughters, sisters, and people in the workplace).
One of Tannen’s main points is this: Recognizing we have different styles helps us avoid common gender-related miscommunications, giving us more time to talk about what really matters. Now that Tom and I know the difference in our styles, he recognizes that I need someone to listen and validate my feelings and I know he needs to help me fix the problem so we can say it’s solved and move on. Therefore, he listens more to my issues and I’m more open if he offers suggestions.
I’ll leave you with a quote from Tannen, who sums it up better than I do:
Recognizing gender differences frees individuals from the burden of individual pathology. Many women and men feel dissatisfied with their close relationships and become even more frustrated when they try to talk things out. Taking a sociolinguistic approach to relationships makes it possible to explain these dissatisfactions without accusing anyone of being crazy or wrong, and without blaming—or discarding—the relationship. If we recognize and understand the differences between us, we can take them into account, adjust to, and learn from each other’s styles.
When Tom and I reviewed the footage from our interview with Meghan and Tony we felt overwhelmed. Our goal was to create a 3-4 minute preview of their interview. We ended up with 27 minutes of footage we wanted to use. We coined a phrase for what this couple does— drop “insight bombs”. An insight bomb is an observation that is so interesting when you hear it, you feel like you’re being hit with something heavy and significant. Meghan and Tony drop non-stop insight bombs. It reminded us how lucky we were to meet them so early in our journey.
Of our many favorites, this particular insight bomb from Meghan resonated with us. It’s not surprising. We came up with the idea for The Long Haul Project because we were living by default and wanted to learn how to stop. It’s easy for a married couple to slip into default living and choose safe, prescribed options. As soon as we set out on this journey, we changed how we viewed our options and make our choices. It means we’re taking risks, trying new things, living outside our comfort zone, facing our fears.
It feels amazing.
So we want to thank Meghan and Tony for inspiring us to continue on our journey with purpose, and not live our lives by default.
We admit it: We arrived in Nebraska with an East Coast superiority complex. What could the Midwest really offer besides corn fields? It’s true, we did see lots of corn fields on the drive from Omaha Airfield to Lincoln. But corn isn’t the end of the story. Lincoln, and especially the Haymarket area where we stayed, has plenty of charm and we did some exploring (when we weren’t wilting in the 90 degree heat). So if you ever find yourself in Lincoln, here’s what you should check out:
A good restaurant is a reflection of the self....
Eating
Our Nebraska subjects, Tony and Meghan, are big foodies. Lucky for us! Our first night in town, we met up at Bread and Cup, which is Meghan’s favorite spot in Lincoln. We can see why. Their emphasis is on fresh, local ingredients and the menu changes daily depending on the season. We enjoyed some yummy homemade pasta while getting to know each other. Funnily enough, the restaurant is owned by a married couple—Kevin Shinn is the chef and his wife Karen is front of house. Kevin came to our table to see how we enjoyed dinner and told us a little bit about he and his wife make working together work (it seems to involve her staying out of his kitchen!). You can read more in Kevin’s very interesting and very candid blog.
Pizza and beer can't be beat
Design your own pizza and hundreds of beers to choose from. How can you go wrong? YiaYia feels like an old favorite from the first visit. The graffiti on the walls, loud music and dreadlocked bartenders add to the feeling of being at a college hangout but we old married couples fit in just fine. The only downside is choosing a beer from the prodigious list—not an easy task for someone as indecisive as I am.
So meaty
The Haymarket Farmer’s Market is the real deal; a sprawling Saturday morning event featuring fresh flowers, crafts, homegrown vegetables and the most mouth-watering selection of breads, cakes, pies and pastries. There are 120 stalls in total but I think my favorite had to be corn-related, of course: A vendor making flavored popcorn over a huge, steaming cauldron. It smelled so good that I considered having popcorn for breakfast—which I imagine has to be a constant hazard in Nebraska.
Shopping
Every college town needs a good vintage clothing store, and The Black Market Clothing Exchange is it for Lincoln. There are plenty of recycled, name-brand items on offer (with an emphasis on the 80s and 90s, which I guess feels “vintage” to today’s college kids… sigh) as well as bespoke labels from local artists and designers. I came very close to buying a heavily ironic Jessica Simpson pin for my backpack but instead opted for a pair of retro pink sunglasses with a certain Better Draper 1950s flare.
Sightseeing
We didn’t have a lot of time for sightseeing, but we did manage a stroll to the impressive Nebraska State Capitol Building. Designed by New York Architect Bertram Grosvenor Goodhue in 1920, it was the first state capitol building to radically depart from the design of the nation’s capitol building and definitely has a unique appearance enhanced by a 19-foot sculpture perched on the roof. It’s apparently—and appropriately—called “The Sower” but to me, it looked sort of like an impish Peter Pan scampering across the roof.
When I was in college, a wise man once said to me:
“If it was easy, it wouldn’t be fun.”
I’ve kept that sentiment with me ever since, ready to be pulled out in times of extreme stress, times when the only option seems to be to jack it all in and have a good sulk.
Times like this past Saturday morning – the very morning we were scheduled to interview our latest subjects Tony and Meghan – when we stepped out of our hotel room in Lincoln, Nebraska, to discover that one of our two video cameras had a large fubar in the the LCD screen and wouldn’t power up.
Usually, in times of extreme stress, Melissa and I react in very different ways. Usually, she is quick to panic, assume the worst and dwell on what has gone wrong. Usually, I am quick to forget the source of the stress and move immediately to trying to find a solution. I think our respective reactions are fairly gender-typical, if on the extremes of the scale.
On Saturday, we both panicked. What if we’d spent all this money to come all this way and couldn’t actually conduct the interview with Meghan and Tony?
After a little iPhone Google Mapping and a lot of discussion we eventually drove to a store and picked up $700 worth of new camera. Not an extra expense we particularly needed, but it got us out of a jam.
Plus it looks like I can fix the old camera with a couple of parts from the helpful tech support people at Canon (have we mentioned we’re looking for sponsorship?) and a tiny, tiny screwdriver.
As soon as we’d bought the camera and were headed to the interview – some two hours late – Melissa did as any good documentarian would and switched the thing on to capture our incredible relief.
So we planned to edit a teaser of the Meghan and Tony interview this weekend.
But then we were distracted by kayaking, guitar building, eating out at one of our favorite restaurants, a pizza party with friends, bike riding, dog walking and going to see Inception.
We weren’t completely indolent, however, and did scan our Lincoln, Nebraska lomography. The beauty of lomography is that old-fashioned thrill of not knowing how your shots come out until they’re developed. The downside is when they don’t come out well: Tom and I have both managed to overexpose entire rolls and I accidentally took 3 rolls of Dianas on the pinhole setting. The prints looked like something Monet might have churned out after 6 bottles of wine.
Happily, we got some great lomography in Lincoln including lovely shots of Meghan and Tony at home. So until we get off our lazy behinds and do some editing, enjoy a few stills from our weekend:
A few weeks ago, Melissa wrote about the agonizing decision to ditch her old, faithful sunglasses (http://thelonghaulproject.com/2010/06/its-time-to-move-on/). At the time, she hadn’t yet found a replacement pair so there were those among us that hoped for a last minute reprieve, a stay of execution, if you will.
No such luck.
I won’t precis/preface it any more than that – the rest should be self-explanatory.
