Because of writing this blog, I look out for marriage lessons everywhere. Ask any couple who’s been for dinner with me lately and they’ll tell you I pump for information about their relationship, their wedding day, what they fight about, their dating history.
So it’s no wonder that the big project Tom and I are working on now is turning out to be another valuable marriage lesson for me.
Only I could get a marriage lesson from a diner!
We’re working on a short documentary about The South Street Diner (read more about it here). We came up with the idea to make this film on a sunny, spring day in Austin, Texas when we were on vacation at South by Southwest. When we got back to Boston, we contacted the owner, Sol Sidell, and he agreed to give us full access. Everything seemed possible and we couldn’t wait to get started.
We launched a fundraiser through Kickstarter to make the documentary and were blown away by the response. The Boston Globe, The Boston Herald and WFNX Radio picked up the story. Friends, family and supporters of the diner helped us exceed our funding target more quickly and easily than we could have dreamed. Everything was falling into place.
If we were going to equate making this movie to being in a relationship, I would call this period the honeymoon phase. We were falling in love, couldn’t have been more optimistic and everything was pretty much grand.
Then things got tougher. It came time for the main part of our shoot: 24 straight hours at the diner from 6 AM Saturday until 6 AM Sunday. I arrived at the shoot already exhausted after several weeks of travel and stress, and found it really hard to get through the long day. I was drained, emotionally and physically.
I started to worry about the quality of the footage: would it be good enough? Doubt crept in. Then we got into the editing process. We had hours of material, from the 24-hour shoot as well as multiple interviews with current and previous owners. It was so much to wade through, it felt unwieldy and cumbersome. About a week ago, we had an edit that was more than one hour long. To me, it felt hopelessly convoluted. I couldn’t find the story. I had lost touch with why we started the project in the first place
At this point, I became extremely negative and hopeless. I worried that everything was going to fall apart, that the movie was going to turn out to be a disaster. I wailed, I wrung my hands, I proclaimed the whole project a failure. I went to bed in a fury and tossed and turned as I played out the worst case scenarios in my head. Looking back, I realize how much these feelings were similar to being in a tough spot in a relationship.
When Tom and I hit a rough patch last year, it seemed like everything had become too messy and complicated. I wanted to give up and I couldn’t see how the situation could be fixed.
In relationships, as in films, the lowest point can also be the turning point. The point where you decide to roll up your sleeves and really work at it. The point where you decide that nothing is going to stop you. The point where you decide to believe in the possibilities.
After a few days of worry, we sat down on a rainy Sunday morning with the South Street Diner footage. We worked on it together all day: honing, shaping, taking things away, adding new things in. It was challenging and frustrating at times, but as it took form it became more and more exhilarating. We were building something together, something that was stronger for having been hard to achieve. I was so glad that we stuck with it and didn’t give up, and I felt guilty for ever doubting it.
Like our marriage, the diner documentary survived the low times and came out the other side as a better product.
What do you think? Is marriage improved by going through tough times together? Are there things in your life that you’ve gone through that have taught you how to have a better relationship? I’d love to read your comments!
ABSOLUTELY. Going through tough times and coming out the other side together definitely strengthens a relationship. No doubt in my mind. Of course we don’t want to engage in the difficult conversation, don’t want to really approach a conflict or those negative feelings because it’s hard work to do so. But rolling up those sleeves and doing the work pays off. It just does. Love the metaphors you found between making the doc and making your relationship.
my husband and i feel that it was the tough times that defined how our marriage would be. in fact, it was while sitting in a funeral home waiting for them to bring us the ashes of our baby while our other baby continued to battle in nicu, that we looked at each other almost simulataneously and said … lets get married because suddenly living together didn’t seem like it captured the depth and breadth of our togetherness. we sort of feel like how we handled one of the toughest times of our lives, how we were with each other had created a bond and the expertise to handle anything else life had to throw at our relationship .. i guess you could say, we knew in that moment that we were in it for the long haul
Thanks Meghan and Darlene for sharing your perspectives.
Meghan, I spent so long hiding from those tough conversations until I realized how much good they can uncover. Still, they never get completely easy and I still sometimes avoid them (usually to my detriment).
Darlene, I think you’re right… the tests and hard times (and how you get through them) are actually what define a relationship. We’d really love to talk with you guys about your story some time. It’s amazing to think how much you’ve been through together and very inspiring.
I am so honored to know you and to see how much you open up your heart. The fact that both you and Tom are able to share your trials with others says a lot about your commitment to each other. I think my husband and I are in a much better place today thanks to our struggles and difficult times. But more importantly it was how we came out of those times that helped us grow. The communication, the hard work. It all matters. PS. Can’t wait to see the film!
I think this is a really great analogy. Lots of work – hard work! – goes into making a relationship function smoothly. You just have to keep at it and not let the difficult moments/periods wreck the product.
Celina, it makes me happy to hear that you and your husband have come through some of the tough times and feel much stronger. Can’t wait to share the film- almost done now we’ll be putting the finishing touches on this weekend.
Technosyncratic, we would love to have you two guest blog about the unique challenges of maintaining your relationship while traveling together. I’m sure that comes with a whole set of unique ups and downs that we could all learn from.